While You Were Dead

My father passed away 11 days before Thanksgiving (everyone start your psychoanalysis engines) and there was a ton of stuff to deal with...besides feelings.
He wanted to be buried in Europe, didn't have a will or any other affairs in order (after you read my blog go get that stuff taken care of people!). So, last few months of this 2012 have been hectic, to say the least. 
Some moments were comical...or I turned them into comedy/sarcasm so I wouldn't shank people.


At the funeral home picking out a casket...think about it, it's like buying a car...for your final voyage. So many models to choose from, religious motifs, blinged out, or not...all over $1,750,  as ours needed to be "special", zink lined, blah, blah, blah...for shipping overseas.
After we (my siblings and I) settled on a model (pretty nice, basic, silverish if you must know), the very patient, funeral director asked: "Do you have any other questions about the process or fees???"
Me: "Yes...what is the thread count on the lining of the casket?"
See my father was a Textile Engineer back home and he would come back and haunt me if I placed him in anything polyester. True story.

***

Month and a half after my father passed (aka just the other day), we were in the same hospital after my mother was involved in a head-on collision.
While in the waiting room I overheard this...nurse comes out and calls a patient (a woman that's been hacking up her lungs for God knows how long...at least the 45 min we were there). She greets her with a question "Are you feeling OK???".
"Why yes. I come here to pass the time. " I'm thinking.

***

Once we were let back in to the room my mother was held in admin came by with some questions (mother's health insurance lapsed til January 1st with my father dying...splendid). Clearly she needs to know where the money will come from for this lovely ordeal, but in order not to seem like a blood sucking leech she figured we will chat a bit first. 

First question was: "So I noticed in our system that you were here recently...how was that experience???"

My response: "It was great! My father dropped dead...something you failed to notice in the system, I guess". 

She left the room afterwards, never to return...enabling us to safely sneak out of the hospital after my mother was released. Score! (Little victories in life :-)).

*** 

So my mother gets in a head-on collision with some crackhead (way to go, couldn't have picked some rich old guy), the day after Christmas, gives her driver's license to the cop at the scene, gets immidiately hauled off to the hospital and her car gets towed, since it was totalled. 

Next day we realize that she left her work badge, work coat, house keys, garage door opener and a few other nick knacks in the vehicle. So I called the tow yard to see when I can come get that stuff. 

Tow yard attendant: "Who's the owner of the vehicle???"

Me: "Well, it is registered to my deceased father...it just happened a month ago, we were busy transporting him overseas and didn't transfer the title.."

He cuts me off: "Well, he needs to sign over the title to you."

Me: "Unless you can raise dead from the grave...that will not happen. I have his death certificate and a free and clear title to the vehicle?!"

Him: "Sorry that's the rules."

Really??? I LOVE rules, all of them. Good grief!!!

Deal Breakers And Other Little Quirks

As I mentioned, I think, I am single...come to think of it last time I had a serious relationship (over 2 weeks long) was right before jail time, 2 years ago (more on that later).
In all honesty, I've been successfully staying out of adult relationships most of my life. I am not against them, but I will not settle and I just may have pretty high expectations of other human beings and hold them to unattainable standards. Also, when you lived on your own for as long as I have (going on 11 years), you get set in your ways and it may not be a walk in the park for a man to fit in.
However, while all this stands true, there are the deal breakers...they may not be a deal breakers for you, but they are for me...yes, this post will be edited a lot as well. (And yes, I am aware that I am shallow.)
I will run some of my relationship unrelated idiosyncrasies by you as well, for good measure.

GTR 

Gum to tooth ratio (yes, I watch Family Guy). For the love of everything go have that fixed, it's a simple procedure and not that pricey, regardless. It freaks me out...that is all I focus on. Great personality, intelligence, good looks...none of it matters as I am that shallow. End of story.

Being Cheap 

Don't get me wrong I LOVE a great deal, I don't believe in paying a full price for shoes or clothes ever. However, there's a huge difference in being frugal and being cheap.
One time I went out with this guy, who at the time worked as an executive at a major lending institution making great money, long story short we were late for a concert and he was hungry, so we met at some place nearby and he was the only one eating...bill came to $14.95. He gave our waitress $15 and told her to keep the change. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, snuck our waitress a $5 and left him there. I never returned any of his calls after that...what?! I'd have to drink Popov instead of Stoly if we went out?! I don't think so.

Irregardless

Not.A.Word. Yes I know that dictionaries all over the place are accepting it as a non-standard version of regardless...I say if you think that is a word and would like to use it while having a conversation with me, please do me a favor and kill me. Read a book, start small like "The Cat In The Hat".

Irregardless is not a proper word, regardless of what you may believe. Please explain to me what it means then, 'cause if regular means one thing and irregular opposite of that, how can regardless and irregardless mean the same. Regardless, I don't care about your explanation stop using it!!!

LOL

Not a moody teenage girl??? Stop using it. Text "ha ha" or "that's funny"...do not LOL me.

 PDAs

Also known as public displays of affection. Annoying...makes others uncomfortable and unless we are gonna get it on...hands off buddy. What are we teenagers in heat...there's a bed for that, no need to sneak around and grope in public when we are nearing 40. May as well lift your leg and pee on me to mark your territory, why don't you?! 

 Not Returning Texts

You know those people (men or women) that are constantly on their phones, texting, tweeting, facebooking, whatever it is they are doing,  and once you send them a text half a day later you get a reply...RUDE. I'd rather get a text that said "F*** OFF" than some crap 20 hours later. Seriously. Drives me nuts. 

People That Do Not Wave When You Let Them Merge In Front Of You

I mean really dude?! With your driving merging skills you'd be on the side of the road two days later and then you do not wave...I mean wtf?! And yes, I know I should just be nice out of the goodness of my heart and not expect anything in return...that's why I give money to homeless...merging, different story!

Talking At The Gym

OK so unless you need help using equipment STFU! No we are not friends, we will never be friends, I don't want to discuss what I'm doing or have chats about your goals...family...drama...job.. whatever the hell. I am here to workout so EFF OFF!!! And rack your damn weights!

Who's Supposed To Censor This Sh**

As I may have mentioned before I am sarcastic and unconventionally straight forward, speaker of unpopular truths if you will...this condition of mine also comes at the most inopportune times and without any filter.
This post will be edited numerous times as I am quite certain that these moments will continue to occur (to bad I can't think of many of the previous ones), so here we go...

A good friend of mine is going out with a woman that happens to be bisexual (I never really got that, go ahead call me closed minded, but that's wishy-washy...can you tell my life is pretty black and white??? You either like Miracle Whip or you don't, there's no one day I have mayo and the other Miracle Whip...and if you do, you're a psychopath. End of discussion.)...anyhow, back to my story.
Throughout the conversation she's very touchy-feely...we all know how I love that. Tossing her hair around...being all seductive...in my 20's I would have been intimidated, yet I am a mature 33, thank you very much. (Emphasis on the mature ;-).)
So she finally asks "Have you ever had sex with a woman?"
Oh, here we go...so I reply "No, that's really not my thing."
And the salesperson that she is (no really, she does sales) "Well you shouldn't be so closed minded...you can't say it's not your thing if you never even tried it."
While I wholeheartedly agree with her argument when it comes to food...
My reply was "Well, I have never had sex with my dogs and I am pretty sure that I wouldn't enjoy that either." 
Conversation over!
I'm rude, I know. Then again you know what screw off..I am tired of these "oh I am so open and OK with my sexuality that I love to make others around me uncomfortable", you know who I am talking about...believe you me I am definitely not shy in the sack and am VERY open minded, I am Eurotrash for God's sake and have yet to receive a complaint regarding my performance, but please do not try to conform me...(same goes for Jehovah's Witness, Mormons and all the other door knocking religious groups). I am perfectly happy living in my distorted bubble eating chocolate with my own truths and beliefs. Good day, Sir! I.said.good.day.

***

The other day I stopped at Old Navy, they have these wool scarfs that I love...I know AZ..wool scarf...whatever, I can pretend it's winter. So I get to the register, surprisingly not many people in the store...no waiting in line (yay!) and I get the chunky 20-something year old ringing me up. He's all chatty Cathy..."Are you ready for Christmas?? Got everything you needed (wink, wink)?"
I thought I imagined him winking, but then he did it again..."Nice scarf, to keep you warm (wink)." I would have thought he had a facial tic, but no.
Silly kid I'm thinking. So my total comes to $9 something...I know I am big spender, and since there was no one behind me I pay him in $1 bills, then I follow up with the comment "Awww, I felt rich for a moment with my big wad of cash, now it's all gone (wink, wink, yes I winked at him)".
Then he replies "I love carrying a lot of $1's around too (wink, wink)."

Then I go "Yup you never know when you will run into a stripper (wink, wink)."
His jaw dropped open, I had to pry my bag out of his hands practically.
Hilarious.

***

Happy Freaking Holidays!!!!

I knew it was going to happen, no matter how hard I tried and pre-planned and shopped ahead...it.was.bound.to.happen.
As we all know the holiday spirit has become (sadly) about buying things for others we can't afford and they don't need; endless lines at stores, hectic traffic; grumpy people...
Well I made sure I had my shit together this year. Shopped for all the gifts I needed (really only Secret Santa at the gym...since they were out online of the item I really wanted to get, I decided "not the end of the world I'll get this person something else". He doesn't have a clue what I was going to get him in the first place right...it's about the spirit of Christmas and not the monetary value/cool factor of the gift...no problem I got this.).
Also, I got all my goods for baking...didn't get enough butter (good God how much butter is used over the holiday season), not to worry I will make it healthier and substitute apple sauce and coconut oil. Even better.
Well, I noticed I was out of cupcake liners and I needed those...no big deal, it is a holiday season and so far so good...I got this under control...go grab cupcake liners and back home to bake some more stuff before work tonight.
Stop #1 Old Navy...marvelous they got the wool scarf I lost last year on sale, and even a cooler pattern than I had before...I know I live in AZ..I wear them with my t-shirts...That's how I roll ;-).
Stop #2 ( I know I was supposed to get cupcake liners, shut up) TJ Maxx...fab finds mini cupcake liners and large 75 pc each, $3 total. Magnificent.
Stop #3 (I realize that I got what I set out to buy, shut up) Ross...cool socks for me and my Secret Santa, he will love those for rope climbs in Crossfit...probably shouldn't buy more crap for myself, really need to clean out my closets (yes that is plural), but at $2 how can I pass them up.
And it just so happened that there's a World Market next to this Ross, my train of thought went a little something like this-"Kim's B-day party is on Christmas Eve day and I could get her a bottle of wine tomorrow...but since I am here might as well finish all of this now so I do not have to leave my house again for shopping".
Enter store...yes there are a lot of people but it's fine I got plenty of time...grab wine (on the list of the best on Wine Enthusiast Mag...$6.99, score!) get in line. "Hmmm, 2 lines open about 5 people ahead in each...no biggy, it will go quick....wait...oh there's a price check, oh well this is usual...my line not moving...now there's about 5 people behind me...I am so thankful that everyone is patient and there is no grumbling (hate those people; "we are all waiting in the same line asshole" I always feel like yelling)...the other line is moving but it's 20 deep now...oh well, this is fine...and there's a lady with return...you could wait til after Christmas...then again perhaps she needs the money...oh good they called for backup, and she will open close to me, yay great...her phone rang..she's talking to her boss about how long she's worked and if this is overtime or not...ugh...still talking...my line not moving...register issue..need managers approval...hey it is the holidays...so she left...third line opening further away from us...however we have moved one...now we are in business...oh no..grandmother wants to pay separately for her stuff...Jeez...now they are switching cashiers, lady from the phone is back...Lord she's chipper, calm down self...I am sure she's a very nice lady...she chirps away-"Oh so happy to see the smiling faces.(Someone is still smiling?! WTF?!) And how's your holiday shopping going? Did you see all of our scrumptious finds??? (Actually...scrumptious...really?!) How much better does it get than this bottle of Malbec and some dark chocolate???" Well peace and quiet come to mind and no high pitched voice...God I'm a bitch...holidays, holidays, Christmas spirit...blah, blah...I don't know that I can handle her... oh they are switching again...here comes the kid that's been smoking too much weed and overindulging in the post-high munchies...hopefully he's quick...doesn't even look at me...probably better that way...rings my wine...walks away to help another cashier...I look at my total...$7.54, bazinga (as Sheldon would put it), get $22.54 ready...he's called away by another cashier...really he's the front end supervisor...hmmm...he's back...yay...give him my money...he gives me back the change-$14....ARE.YOU.FUCKING.KIDDING.ME...my blood boils, my heart is racing, vein on my forehead is probably the size of a telephone cable...and I say..."Shouldn't my change be $15...I gave you $22.54???"..."No it was $21.54" he mutters. "Yeah cause that makes FUCKING sense" I reply...then I thought of all the patient people behind me take my $14 and leave...OMFG. Here's your Christmas spirit you stupid sack of shit...I think I will never get over that $1...it's the principle of the matter and he's the supervisor...A freaking front end supervisor...way to fucking go World Market...you're going to HELL. F... OFF.
Damn you holiday season...once again you got the best of me.

Why The Title?

Why...Not Huggable?
Well why not?!
Actually, I am known amongst my friends to not appreciate hugs. Contrary to the popular belief that Europeans (I was born and lived there for 16 years) have no concept of personal space...my personal bubble is HUGE...and I would like to remain in it..ALONE.
Most times I feel like hugs are unnecessary (or a cheap way to cop a feel) and awkward (do I lean all the way in so my boobs touch the person or half way back; do I go left, right; hands up, down?? Good God!!! Yes I am  waaay over thinking this and that's why I hate hugs)......can we just air fist bump and be done please.
I save hugs for special occasions...funerals, my dogs and such.
There's the other kind...when I am about to get it on ;-), so unless you want to pull down your pants and get busy...do not freaking hug me!
So to conclude, I am as huggable as a porcupine.

~The End~

Who Am I???

Since I am not sure what the protocol is in the blogging world and how this is supposed to be done...I'll just wing it.
I am a 33yr old, semi-attractive, single eurotrash female, living in Arizona with two 9 yr old dogs.
Please beware that this is my blog and with that here's a few warnings...I've been known to be overly sarcastic (sarcasm and negativity are NOT the same), I say fuck a lot (I curse a lot in general), I am not always politically correct (hence the nickname "Equal Opportunity Offender") and I am WAAAAY to straight forward, zero diplomacy here my friends. Also there will be misspelled words and incorrect grammar...so Grammar Nazis you can divert your cursor away from this webpage, thank you.  Phew, now that I got that out there...on to the important stuff.
I exercise...pretty much daily..I do crossfit (that's right, you'll read all about it. I LOVE it, but I'm not great at it) and I teach spinning (no they don't just get on the bike and pedal).
I eat...all the time...healthy for the most part, however portion control, well I have NONE.
I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up, so I do different things...yes I realize I am 33.
I grew up in Europe and moved to USA in 1995...more about that later.
My family...drives me nuts, most of the time.
Men...drive me nuts, most of the time.
Facebook...is the devil, we should get paid for spending so much time there.
I hate to clean.
I love anything food/nutrition related.
The reason I decided to start a blog...well I need to get rich quick so my hope is that Oprah or Jimmy Fallon, or anyone else for that matter will see it and skyrocket me into fame and fortune and all else that goes with it...and sometimes I can be funny, hence bring others joy and laughter and since laughter is the best medicine I am practically a doctor. (Better actually, you can enjoy my wisdom for free ;-).)
I know I missed a ton of stuff...but this gives you a slight insight into my mental instability and if you'd like to see more...well you'll just have to come back.