So I have been gone a little while...does anyone even read this blog...who cares, it's my artistic outlet...well, outlet nonetheless... and I do care if people read, but as much as I promoted it (I didn't, my friends have no clue) less than 100 people is quite the audience.
Anyhow...not much in the form of drama has been happening and who wants to read another happy, healthy, we are all God's children blog yada, yada, yada...until today that is...
Woke up, second day of "I'm writing down everything food-wise that crosses my lips as I am turning into a sow", ready to tackle the world. (Well, not really, got home at 3am after work and had 4 hours of sleep and woke for the second time, first time to feed the dogs this time to poop.) Morning ritual underway and "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WTF IS THAT IN THE TOILET BOWL???" (this will be one of those blogs where I over share, consider yourself warned, you can stop reading now...or not). Blood, fresh red blood in sheet like formations...wth???
My wheels start spinning..."too early for my period...it's been only two weeks...did I overdose on Ibuprofen? I've been sick last few days and have been self-medicating...GOOD GOD I HAVE AN INTERNAL STOMACH BLEED!!!...breathe....breathe...OK, grandma had an ulcer and there was dark stool...Christ, I have no insurance...fantastic, I will be homeless in a month...or perhaps dead...dead and homeless!? SOB!"
OK, I called out to my work (please it's Sunday and I am training 3 people that make Charlie Sheen look like he's got no commitment issues and I am not spending my last living hours at work) time to make lunch plans while I am still aliveeeeee!!!!
Out to lunch with a friend, he's a firefighter, plus we've been friends forever and he's suffered through discussions about poop and period more times than he'd care to admit... I didn't say he enjoyed them...sometimes, I wonder why he's still friends with me (different post). His advice "Ask your sister, she's a nurse...crazy..still a nurse." Men...so helpful.
I did one better (my sister is at work and she doesn't have her phone on her at all times), I alerted my nurse friend/workout buddy Krysten...our text exchange follows...
Me: "One of the two things is happening. I'm either bleeding internally from Ibuprofen I've been taking last few days or my uterus decided to shed mid-month with no rhyme or reason...no it's not a miscarriage, you'd have to have sex for that and if it was, this would mean that once again God has a personal vendetta against me."
K: "Are you doing anything about that?"
Me: "Yes! Meditating myself into NOT bleeding to death...and my friend can repay me for lunch by marrying me and extending me his insurance (worst case scenario;-)). I have no pain which is strange when one is bleeding to death...I expected more suffering."
K: "Lol. You know to watch out for black sticky poop...I'm off for a hike...let me know if you need anything, I will come get you."
When I got home, I had this brilliant idea...to glance at my Period App and see how early would this thing be, if it was "that time of the month"... only. 4. days... according to my smart phone app... (who has a period app you ask...apparently people like me that can't keep track of shit and are "in tune" with their own body).
Sooooo.... I am NOT bleeding to death, I am just bleeding for 7-10 days as a reminder of my femininity aka ability to procreate. Obviously, God is a man...this reproduction system is lacking (why have it, if it's not being utilized), and he clearly hasn't met me if I still get to keep the childbearing ability!
P.S. I feel like a blimp...a dumb blimp.
Almost forgot, for Valentine's Day I didn't get flowers or chocolate...I got a speeding ticket...technically...a date.in a month.with a judge. Better than syphilis, even though STD's will not land you in jail and moving violations just might. Still, ticket it is.
