The Joys of Spring Training

At this point, if you read any of my previous blogs you should know that my "REAL" job...the job that pays the bills and allows me to buy every Groupon known to man on laser hair removal (what can I say, I am a hairy broad...armpits, minds out of the gutter people) and new workout (yoga/bootcamps/TRX), as well as dine in every newly opened gem of a restaurant in Phoenix, is none other but bartending. Oh yes, I am a people person...no not really ;).

I work in Old Town Scottsdale. For those of you not familiar with the area, besides being a "cayote" or selling drugs, that is where the money is in AZ. Now, I am not money driven, yet I need it to live, so I sacrifice two days a week of my life doing "adult babysitting" as I'd like to call it.

Now add to the usual madness of twenty to forty something drunken future (or past) of America, the full force of Spring Training in March...which pretty much sums it up to all the middle aged, married men without the supervision of their ever-so-lucky wives gallivanting about and drinking like they are 18, yet not having the same tolerance or body.

And believe you me, I am not the one to judge...if anyone has ever been drunk out of their gourd, it is this bitch, however some things are completely unfathomable. For example, last night a good looking, not intoxicated...repeat...not intoxicated married man, dropped his pants down for all the world to see.in the bar. full.of.people. WTF?! I ask you. How is that acceptable behavior? It fucking is not! I assure you...no one wants to see your ass dude, no one.

Also, bumping each others beer bottles so it foams is sooooo passe. Seriously, what are you 12? Drink much? In public...with people...seriously.

Here's another thought if you decide to do cocaine for the first time in your life...STAY AT HOME...no, in my experience it is NOT an amateur drug. You may think you got it handled, but you don't, the jitters, jumpiness, the constant tooth rubbing with your finger, cottonmouth...for the love of God, stay at home (hotel room, whatever) and preserve a little bit of the dignity you have left.

And ladies when you are taking mood altering drugs (Xanax, Ativan, Lexapro, Trazodone... just to name a few) it is not wise to chase them down with several Cherry Bombs. Again, you may think you're OK...honestly you're a fucking hot mess minus the hot. You get all emotional, your mascara running down your cheeks, dress and hair a mess, losing shoes and purses at every turn, inserting the lip gloss wand into your mouth while attempting to reapply it and then questioning the bartenders decision to cut you off...I mean COME ON! Just go home, someone's home...and don't argue, cry uncontrollably and throw shit around, it does very little in making your case.

Besides, "something fun" is not a name of any shot and believe me the last thing you want is for me to "surprise" you with a drink...you'll get a Jeger/tonic...SURPRISE :-).

Rich dudes...much obliged you came to visit...please stop pointing out how rich you are, kills the mystery for one and it may come over duchy when you say "I can solve all of your problems" while wearing your wedding ring...for one the problems I have you're not licensed to help me with... secondly, "How's the Missus"???

So now some of you are thinking, "well why do it if you hate your job???"...I don't hate my job, I have a strong dislike for idiots and second I am sure you love everything about your job ;). Third once I am a famous writer I can drop that gig and focus on making the world a funnier place one book at the time.

Please, let's make this a stab-free Spring Training...I am to pretty for prison :).