Are you missing chromosomes and David Sedaris does what???

OK so by now it is clear that I am judgmental bitch, probably will burn in hell for half the shit I spew out let alone all the crap I censor/filter (oh yes I filter...you don't even know how much). On second thought, if you ever knew my upbringing and that I bartend for a living (let's be real personal training doesn't pay for any of my addictions :)) you'd understand I am in hell already and when I die they better be ready with something new if they want to challenge me.

If you need further proof that I am  a "unique" thinker...there was a guy with only one arm the other day at my work...thoughts I had immediately were "can you say he's unarmed?...he would never bother me with hugs.." and so on. I know that "normal" people refrain from these thoughts or are on medication that will help them reel this shit in...me, I let it run wild. And now you are wondering if I was a product of Hitler's genetic engineering experiments...not sure he ever reached my level. Don't misunderstand me, I know I should not be thinking the things I do or at least try to repress them like normal humans do...but remember this model was built without a filter.

Anyhow, on with this blog... Yesterday I decided to go shopping (cause I need more shit in my house) and one of the stops was a beauty supply store (who wouldn't want to be more beautiful?). In order to get my discount they have a computer directory...so this transaction went something like this.

Girl: "Can I have your last name please?"
Me: "Bab..."
Girl: "Vad.."
Me: "No, it's Bab... both B as in BOY"
Girl: "Bev..."
Me: "Um...B-A-B...boy"
Girl: "B-I-V"
WTF???? I am thinking and trying not to lose my shit..
Me: "No...it is B as in boy, A like Adam, B as a boy."
Girl types B-a-d..
Me: "You typed B-a-d...it's B-a-b"
Girl:"B-e-d (typing)? I can't find it, sorry. Can we try by the phone number?"
Riiiiight!...you can't figure out 5 letters and you will get 7 numbers in the correct sequence...I'd like to opt out of this shit show.
Me: "Don't worry about it, I am not sure what number I have it under...I don't need the points, it's fine. Thank you tho." 

Now, I had a certificate that she, THANK GOD, called another associate for and my grand total came to $4.36. So I gave her 4 single dollar bills, a quarter, a dime and a penny (YES! The exact change.).

Low and fuckin behold she stood there, money in hand, looking at the dollar bills and 3 coins all confused like I tried to explain binary code to her. (Yes, I have heard of dyslexia and I actually have a mild case of it...however, I am not certain how you go through life, graduate high school-my assumption, without ever learning to read/spell or add...how do you balance your own checkbook? how do you text? should you be behind the ever loving register during the Sunday rush when you are not able to perform basic tasks of that job???)

Girl: "Ummmm...this is short..." puts dollar bills on the counter and touches them slowly one by one while counting (there's only 4 of them)...repeats 3 times. Then she looks at the coins in her hand, hands me back the dime and says "this won't work...do you have some nickles, pennies...whatever may work better for you?"

Me: "No...that's the exact change."
Girl: "Are you sure?" 

The only thing I am sure of at this point is my decision to never have kids, matter of fact I refuse to shed my ovaries in the world where this level of stupidity, incompetence, untreated learning disability, ...whatever you want to call it, is acceptable. I am also becoming increasingly sure that I may just go stab happy if this continues much longer (believe you me, we are waaaay past testing my patience' limits).

Me: "Yes...that's 25c and 10c is 35, plus a penny is 36."
Girl: "Hmmm, I don't think so."

Are you fucking kidding me? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Please come out before I am arrested for assaulting the manager on duty for making me put up with this, while 4 other employees are standing around within an earshot, wasting time.

Me: "UMMM...YES THAT IS 4 DOLLARS AND 36 CENTS EXACTLY!"
Girl: "Hm...I don't know....ok, I guess."

I put the purchase in my purse, even thank/wished her a good day and left.

You're thinking "bitch, you should've left long time ago"...and I hear you, but I couldn't believe my eyes and ears or that it would go on for as long as it did. I've met thousands of people...never.anything.like.that. I couldn't help thinking "God, I hope you're not left to your own vices...hopefully there's a nice husband for you out there somewhere that will take care of you." Also, "if you can have a job as a cashier...I guess I could shoot for the Olympic Figure Skater (zero coordination and balance going on here). Holy Shit!"

On a brighter note, I read this article about David Sedaris today http://www.fastcocreate.com/1682768/say-it-out-loud-how-david-sedaris-makes-his-writing-better...apparently he reads his unfinished material to audiences across country and edits as he goes, creating his masterpieces in the process. Sounds like a fabulous idea, I always thought "if I can read my comedy material it would be a lot easier" you know like half read and half perform. I always improvise and go off the script anyhow, yet it would be nice to have a sort of an outline there not worrying about my brain farts kicking in while I am doing it. 

This makes perfect sense...except I am NOT David Sedaris and WHO THE FUCK wants me to read my crap to them?! (If you figure out an answer to this question, feel free to contact me.)

There's Meth For That

So yesterday I set out to do four things...grocery shopping, eat pho (I LOVE PHO!!!), make it to the gym and at some point Skype with a closest thing (person) to a boyfriend I had in years...even though he's 1700 miles away (more on that some other time...I know I got issues and I think I may be coming to terms with them...ahhhh). Low and behold I managed all 4. YAY me! If you know me you know that I have great intentions and sell myself on many different ideas and than get uninterested and lose the wind under my wings (or however that saying goes).

Anyhow...woke up and immediately lost 2 hours of my life...wasn't on Facebook or blogging or watching TV. I know I managed to eat a bowl of protein oatmeal...other than that, I have no clue wtf I did. Decided I should go grocery shopping before I lose a whole day.

Put my jeans on, rip them in the process...you know right by the zipper like a true fatass. Seriously need to get my eating under control...wtf?!

Pretty fucking much!

Oh well, my jeans were on (yes the ripped ones...I am going to the grocery store for fuck sake not to meet Obama) and I was on my way to be productive. 

Made it to the store and at the time, I was the only one checking out (ahhhh the beauty of Sunday mornings when the rest of humanity is being "good" and attending church services...we should have Sunday church throughout the week...few times at least..hmmm). Behind the register was a woman in her 30's, who clearly judging by her wild eyes and nervous twitching was no stranger to meth (or crack or both...are they different?...whatever).

Now, let me assure you, I believe in the second chances in most instances (preferably I don't have to be involved). However, I am not quite sold on the idea of recovering drug addicts working with public...I know you think I am a judgy bitch...and you're right...but they seems so twitchy and I can't help but feel that one wrong word or look will set them off and they'll go stab happy and somehow I see myself doing time for killing a single mother of 3 with my bare hands.

Back to my cashier...so I am thinking to myself  "Stop being a big fat cunt...I'm sure she's a nice lady...you don't know where she's been and what she's going through...STOP FUCKING JUDGING!".

So she's making a small chat like "How's your day? What are you up to this Sunday?" I'm all like "Good so far...meh...I have a day off so I should be productive (now that's some funny shit, especially if you know me)" then she replies (wild bulging eyes...you know that "meth look"...surprised with a slight (or not so slight) hint of deranged..head cocked) "I was off yesterday...I CLEANED" (long pause, giving my mind plenty of to wander)...yes you know it...my thoughts went directly to "of course you cleaned...your tile grout with the toothbrush probably...that house is so clean you scrubbed the paint off the walls, floor and your bathroom fixtures"...fuck me...I am a terrible person.

Then I thought...well, perhaps if I did some meth my house may be spic and span too (I'll lower my expectations to just presentable...I've never done meth...but meth can't begin to fathom my procrastination capabilities...also, can you do meth just once every two weeks for cleaning purposes?!)...hell, I would probably never have a problem of ripping my pants either, if I was a meth-head...meth may be a cure-all drug in my case...hmmmm. Definitely something to consider :).