So the other day I am in front of Starbucks, meeting a friend, when a young approaches me, doesn't really look homeless, but more bored, into recreational drugs (not quite heroin haggard appearance, more of "I like to take extasy or trip on acid"-is that the same, I am drug ignorant; look) and looking for someone to chat with.
He says: "Soccer?"
Me: "I'm sorry what?"
Him: "Oh you just have such great leg muscle definition." Smile.
Me dumbfounded...WTH?! See my grandmother always thought me "if you can't say anything nice, do not say anything at all", but what am I supposed to say "I love your dilated pupils" or "I love how unfocused your gaze is...and the jitters...rad dude"...I mean seriously.
I just thanked him and went inside.
Same parking lot, an hour later...that's what happens when you work in the ghetto/drug infested area of Phoenix, another guy approaches, mid 30's, as drunk as Anthony Bourdain on his trip to Greece and he starts: "mmmm...fend...u...bit...doooo uuuu haff 45 cnts I mmmm haff?". Well you may not be offending me, but the alcoholic aroma about your body is burning my eyelashes and my hair off, and that ain't no easy task as I am one hairy beast. (May I just note it is 11 am ladies and gentlemen and 108 degrees outside.) Also kudos to you, my alcoholic cohabitant of mother Earth, on figuring out precisely what amount you're short of buying a 40 to continue your "spiritual" existence on this planet.
Me: "No thank you I am good."...I know that was not the answer to his question...do you think he was boggled by that, believe me he had bigger issues...like crossing the parking lot, breathing...
Finally, the third one, as I made my way to the store across the street, a young homeless guy, high as a kite, would've definitely benefited from some Visine. He pitches me his line: "Pardon me, would you happen to have any change?"
I am sorry, when the fuck did the panhandlers get so erudite..."Pardon me, change comes from within my friend, and you're welcome!" I replied and carried on.
Excuse me, I am not quite sure I could support a weed habit...hell, I can't even support my chocolate/coffee habit. What's next, you offer to invest my "spare" change for me...you got a business idea?! (Oh and don't worry I didn't come up with that clever response myself, I stole it from my friend Dan. He doesn't mind and I love it. I do however say "yes I have change, but it's not spare"...I'm sure, by now, others have adopted that saying...note to self, need to patent these things...or whatever it is you'd do with witty expressions :)).
Bottom line, these people seem to be a lot more business savvy than I would ever be if I was panhandling. Believe you me, they have a plethora of options for your excuses of why you can't part with your riches, they start of high and eventually end up where you both can live with your decision...just like car shopping, numbers game...they will even wait for you to go use the ATM (oh yeah).
At times like these, me looking intimidating (what I am known for :)) is helpful...now I'd like to find out what benefit does a freakishly long torso have when you are not an Olympic Swimmer.
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