Moderation...What Is That? No Really. Or Blog about Nothing :).

The older I get the more I am aware I have no moderation in anything. It's like someone forgot the shut off button with this model.
I love crossfit. I would say I do crossfit, not that I am a crossfitter. Those of you that do it know what I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, I see the benefits and the whole community aspect, as well as health and hard work that goes in and mental component of it, but as much as I love it I know I am one of those people that gets easily bored with the routine (even if it is an ever changing one...it's still a routine)...this is why I don't run (mile after mile...same thing, it is mentally impossible for me). So currently, I am down with another injury...because I do not know when to stop...I even reduced my crossfit to 3 times a week (from 5-6), but I still do stuff on my own at least 3 more days...fabulous... because you know what I've been doing for now almost a week...nothing, exercise wise anyhow, due to an ass muscle spasm that is pulling on my back and hamstrings making sitting uncomfortable, let alone working out. I'm having issues getting out of bed...how old am I you ask?!...34. Yup, that is sad. What is even sadder, I know this and have done it before yet here we are...same thing again. Now, I probably wouldn't feel the need to exercise so hard and much if I only had any control/moderation as far as my eating habits go, but I don't.

This is the reason I quit drinking. It is not that I drank every day (or even every week), but when I did I rarely would stop before I was drunk. It was like every drink was a shot and it was some kind of a race (that was clearly only in my own head). Now my friends do not think it was a big deal, but I think if something you're doing as fun and for pleasure lands you in jail and you have to pay stiff fines (as opposed to going on a nice vacation with your hard earned money) it is a fucking problem. Or so I quit before it becomes one. And how's the sober life, you ask?! Well I did shed a few drinking friends...which is fine. However, if you think that quitting drinking, smoking or whatever else you're doing will help you save money...you're wrong. You just find something else to replace it with. I did. Exercise. And you're like how's that bad?! I know, there's worse things, however if you still treat it like you did your previous obsession (for me that means no moderation, it is not swell, I can tell you that).

I notice this no moderation thing is a common theme in my life... I do it in relationships (I'm in love third day...spoke to the guy twice, yet I am all in my head and googly eyed... planning our future), I do it with friendships (hang out, love a person than get bored), work, research (I will read every God damn article on a set of new windows I plan on having installed, birth control and so on)...absolutely everything. No crap I burn out fast. And you're like who cares, how's this blog worthy?! Well, I think now that I know about it I can address it. Even so... I feel every blog should be entertaining and funny...well they won't be. Some days there's funny and entertaining stuff to write about and other days there isn't.

Side note...the other day I am talking with one of my gym clients and I told her I am going to Kid Rock concert (yay! also it's been years I've gone to a concert) and she had no idea who he was. She's 23...I'm like "are you fucking kidding me?"...nope dead serious. (I didn't sing because even if I did she wouldn't know who he was, actually especially then she would be confused..did I mention I am not a singer?!). But c'mon really, who has never heard of Kid Rock...we are not friends anymore and I can no longer have you as a client, because you are seriously unwell. Am I that behind times and people actually have no idea who anyone is...Kid Rock, Bob Marley, Velvet Underground...wtf is this world coming to?!

Also, as you can see ADD has no moderation. It strikes me every day and it can be at any given moment and my writing just gets sidetracked. I do appreciate those of you that can follow my "crazy train" of thought (that was an Ozzy reference...hopefully some of you caught that :)).

Apparently Brain Is Not A Requirement To Pass the Bar Exam

In my class the other day, three students , two guys and a girl, gathered around teacher's desk copying notes they missed.
Two guys speaking a foreign language the entire time while writing stuff down. Once they were done, the white girl goes "Gracias!"...men-clearly Indian (as in from India) just blankly looked at her...saddest part-she's a corporate attorney. Excellent...I have so much more faith in our legal system now ;). Why again didn't I go to law school again?! This would be my competition...Lord!

Estrogen you vile bitch!

For years I battled with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome; that's when your ovaries decide to sprout little growths...hurts like a mother), then I discovered progesterone, ahhhh the sweet relief. Not only did I not grow anything, but I didn't even get that time of the month (another bonus, when my boyfriends asked if it was that "time of the month", nope I am just my pleasant self mofo). It was like I was a man, but with sense of direction and less hair (for the most part and thanks to lasers). See for some women progesterone is not an option, they get depressed, gain weight and so on, for me...I don't know, I was my fattest and skinniest on it, sadest and happiest...basically I think it had nothing to do with the drug itself.

Then few years back I had this grand idea to try and go without...without any hormonal medication. You know I wanted to be all "natural" and "unmedicated" (yeah fine that's not a word and I don't give a shit, you know what I mean). While that went surprisingly well for about year and a half, thanks to my cleaned up diet (no processed/fried food), no alcohol and daily exercise regimen, things came to an abrupt halt this January. For two weeks each month, it seemed like I had 3 distinct feelings going on simultaneously...rage, hunger and unreasonable urge to cry at any given time (apparently some females are estrogen sensitive, ME, even if it's the estrogen their own body made, who da thunk it, right?!!). Logically, I knew there was nothing to be angry about, I had just eaten and nothing sad/bad have happened yet it felt like an out of body experience and I wanted to punch my fucking self in the throat.

After those two weeks where I'd inevitably gain 10 lbs, I'd spend next 2 trying to lose it and once I got back the normal, the vicious cycle would repeat. FML to say the least.

I turned to friends, family and my Dr. and answer seemed to be the same..."welcome to your 30's". WTF?! I am going to be a menopausal crazy lady, before due time, are you fucking kidding me?! Oh some even suggested Lexapro, Paxil (or whatever the hell)...the ones that take it of course...I don't know, call me nuts, but I will take hormones before I will take mood altering drugs (I've seen my friends on meds...yeah awesome zombie like, bitchiness only postponed until the meds wear off. I am ok with being a bitch, I am not ok with being a crying emotional mess over nothing). Also hormones are much cheaper (especially if you have no insurance) and you may die of clogged arteries causing a heart attack, but at least they won't lead you to suicide (like antidepressants...how do you cure depression, you kill yourself apparently). I don't think so, not if I can help it.

So about a month ago I threw all the caution to the wind (I just really said fuck being natural if I am a crazy bitch, plus I could not afford my eating habits any longer) and I got back on hormones. Ahhh, sweet sweet nectar of progesterone. You know I am still a bitch, just now I don't cry over brownies or wanna punch kids and in my book I'm winning. Estrogen-go fuck yourself!

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up? (Bukowski wisdom)

"Find what you love and let it kill you!" 

                                     Charles Bukowski

Well, thank you Mr. Bukowski! And it would be grand if I can make a comment here "clearly he found alcohol", but that's not what killed him, leukemia did (damn it, punch line killed...see you learned something you didn't know before reading my blog and we are still on 1st paragraph. You're welcome! Now you can let your hopes down a bit).

Regardless, he was abso-fuckin-lutely right. That is the secret to fulfilling and complete life. It is what we all want and dream of, it is our ultimate purpose. Except, WTF do you do when you have no idea "what do you want to be when you grow up?"?! 

I want to know I lived a life of purpose and to the fullest is my response (now how, I am not there yet). 

People ask me "what are your passions? what do you love to do?"...hmmm. Well, I love to eat out (however, last time I checked that depletes not so much generates income), I love to shop (again, same issue), I love to read (considering I have zero experience in editorial work I am going to go out on the limb and say no one will pay ME to read), I love exercising (then again do I love it or do I just use it as punishment for eating everything under the sun...I actually do love lifting weights, one time that my brain shuts the fuck up and I am "in the moment"), I looooove my dogs (then again they don't seem too eager to go and make a living, so I am thinking that isn't it either)...do you see my conundrum?! 

Also, I noticed that I am one of those "TRY" people, I'll try a little of this, a little of that (restaurant manager, personal trainer, mortgage broker, paralegal, bartender), never really sticking to anything and I am not even sure, if I don't stick to it cause I discover I do not like it, or because I am lazy, or because I am mortified of failure and if I don't give it 100% (btw there's not such thing as 110%, mathematically impossible people, so tell your boss to eff off) I never really tried, therefore I cannot fail (fabulous reasoning). (Does your brain hurt yet? Mine does.)

Today was no different...Since my "little cult class" (pretty sure I wrote about Landmark on my blog before), life has been worse than before. Now, I see all the self sabotaging I do, along with extremely unproductive self deprecation, excuses, stores I live in to and yet here I am, not an inch forward (as a matter of fact I think I moved backwards, at times like these I wish I still drank and could use that as an excuse for hibernating).  So, I set out this morning to go sign up for real estate school, everyone in AZ has a license, cooks, teachers, cashiers...and I figured if they can do it (half assed), well so can I (half assed as well, of course, most likely). A friend asked me if that's what I am passionate about...I am sorry who the hell is passionate about real estate, that's like being passionate about plumbing. Don't get me wrong I see the rewards, helping people, flexible schedule, independence, but passion... I am not sure, then again wtf do I know?! Perhaps I am just not a really passionate individual. 

Anyhow, didn't go through with it as I spoke to a friend and she asked me to hold off, while "she shares some other possibilities with me"(-Landmark language)...great! Then again, my dream waited this long, and since I have no idea what that is...what's another day...or five.

Bottom line, if you know what it is that makes you feel alive GO DO IT YOU LUCKY SOB! Hold onto it and do not let go and listen to no one when they "reason" with you, that's their reasoning not yours. I read somewhere that Walt Disney was turned down (failed) some first 80 times...I saw the thing on Facebook that read "If people tell you your dreams are silly, just remember there's a millionaire somewhere that invented a pool noodle" (no shit, I never even used one of those stupid things). Follow your passion, be alive, go after it, even if it doesn't work out, your life will have been worth living...and from what I see if you keep at it it will work out.

Now for the rest of you (like myself)...stick it out, keep plugging away, keep looking, discovering, searching... you can follow my journey as well (even if it is just in my head at times :)) and eventually we will figure it out! That's a threat and a promise!

"Be not afraid of moving slowly. Be afraid of standing still."

                                                                             Chinese Proverb