"Find what you love and let it kill you!"
Charles Bukowski
Well, thank you Mr. Bukowski! And it would be grand if I can make a comment here "clearly he found alcohol", but that's not what killed him, leukemia did (damn it, punch line killed...see you learned something you didn't know before reading my blog and we are still on 1st paragraph. You're welcome! Now you can let your hopes down a bit).
Regardless, he was abso-fuckin-lutely right. That is the secret to fulfilling and complete life. It is what we all want and dream of, it is our ultimate purpose. Except, WTF do you do when you have no idea "what do you want to be when you grow up?"?!
I want to know I lived a life of purpose and to the fullest is my response (now how, I am not there yet).
People ask me "what are your passions? what do you love to do?"...hmmm. Well, I love to eat out (however, last time I checked that depletes not so much generates income), I love to shop (again, same issue), I love to read (considering I have zero experience in editorial work I am going to go out on the limb and say no one will pay ME to read), I love exercising (then again do I love it or do I just use it as punishment for eating everything under the sun...I actually do love lifting weights, one time that my brain shuts the fuck up and I am "in the moment"), I looooove my dogs (then again they don't seem too eager to go and make a living, so I am thinking that isn't it either)...do you see my conundrum?!
Also, I noticed that I am one of those "TRY" people, I'll try a little of this, a little of that (restaurant manager, personal trainer, mortgage broker, paralegal, bartender), never really sticking to anything and I am not even sure, if I don't stick to it cause I discover I do not like it, or because I am lazy, or because I am mortified of failure and if I don't give it 100% (btw there's not such thing as 110%, mathematically impossible people, so tell your boss to eff off) I never really tried, therefore I cannot fail (fabulous reasoning). (Does your brain hurt yet? Mine does.)
Today was no different...Since my "little cult class" (pretty sure I wrote about Landmark on my blog before), life has been worse than before. Now, I see all the self sabotaging I do, along with extremely unproductive self deprecation, excuses, stores I live in to and yet here I am, not an inch forward (as a matter of fact I think I moved backwards, at times like these I wish I still drank and could use that as an excuse for hibernating). So, I set out this morning to go sign up for real estate school, everyone in AZ has a license, cooks, teachers, cashiers...and I figured if they can do it (half assed), well so can I (half assed as well, of course, most likely). A friend asked me if that's what I am passionate about...I am sorry who the hell is passionate about real estate, that's like being passionate about plumbing. Don't get me wrong I see the rewards, helping people, flexible schedule, independence, but passion... I am not sure, then again wtf do I know?! Perhaps I am just not a really passionate individual.
Anyhow, didn't go through with it as I spoke to a friend and she asked me to hold off, while "she shares some other possibilities with me"(-Landmark language)...great! Then again, my dream waited this long, and since I have no idea what that is...what's another day...or five.
Bottom line, if you know what it is that makes you feel alive GO DO IT YOU LUCKY SOB! Hold onto it and do not let go and listen to no one when they "reason" with you, that's their reasoning not yours. I read somewhere that Walt Disney was turned down (failed) some first 80 times...I saw the thing on Facebook that read "If people tell you your dreams are silly, just remember there's a millionaire somewhere that invented a pool noodle" (no shit, I never even used one of those stupid things). Follow your passion, be alive, go after it, even if it doesn't work out, your life will have been worth living...and from what I see if you keep at it it will work out.
Now for the rest of you (like myself)...stick it out, keep plugging away, keep looking, discovering, searching... you can follow my journey as well (even if it is just in my head at times :)) and eventually we will figure it out! That's a threat and a promise!
"Be not afraid of moving slowly. Be afraid of standing still."
Chinese Proverb
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