Psychiatrists Vs. Chocolate

As you know I've been devastated with my best friend-dog passing. I miss her so much and I break down daily. My life blows. Again, I wish I died the moment she did.

(Don't worry, not killing myself, even though I am not religious, I do for some odd reason believe that when a person commits suicide they have to come back, do it all over again and it is worse...no fucking thank you, you can keep that lottery ticket!)

Yes, I have another dog-Ricky, sadly our bond nowhere near what I had with my best girl Lu. He's hungry, I am the source of food...sometimes he sits with me and watches TV or whatever, doesn't play, fetch, snuggle, any of it. Truth be told we do not get each other. He's skittish and I am bossy...I guess we do share a common dislike of most other human beings and a like for food. That seems like it though.

Since I figured I am distant and too heartbroken to pay attention to him I had this "brilliant" idea that I should foster a dog. Yes, he dislikes other dogs, and humans, and he's an old soul...why did putting him out of his comfort zone at age 10 seem like a good idea...I don't fucking know. I am hit in the head. Perhaps I needed a distraction.

Well, let me tell you, available to foster was a puppy...yes it's work, I've done it before and successfully may I add...she was adorable and actually really good for a little puppy oblivious to the threats of the world we live in. Ricky hated her (big surprise...estrogen levels were finally down in this household and I go and ruin everything), but that even wasn't that big of a deal...I was having major breakdowns. WTF? Not that I expected to be over Lu, not that I really ever expect to be over her...I just didn't think I was going to turn into a hysterical shit storm. So 3 days later, she's back at the rescue (way to fucking follow through on my commitment!).

Now to get to the point of this blog...my gyno a few weeks back suggested I may get a wee bit of help from pharmacopeia on handling my "mental state" (or lack thereof) and so my vet had the same recommendation today (yes, my dog's doctor, I know... I am straight jacket ready, fabulous).

So after a minor nervous breakdown on the phone to my friend (who is a dude and I was blabbering about how I hate life and it has no meaning, there's no point, I have no clue wtf happiness is...and so on and so forth... feel free to add the rest yourself), I figured well perhaps I should get some meds for a bit (even though I hate medication and feel like they ruin more things than help) and only because I already eat healthy, exercise 5-7 times a week, take vitamins, omega-3's, don't drink, don't smoke and don't do drugs (perhaps I should take up some of those activities). I also tried yoga, counseling with psychologists before (just pissed me off since I had more homework than I did in college and resolved nothing, just brought on anger issues and homicidal tendencies towards my Ben Stein like voice counselor).

Needless to say, I don't have insurance or a clue where to get this kind of assistance. Google is always an option of course.

My quest went soemthing like this:
Call Maricopa County Health Behavioral services (since one of their specialties is getting people on the right track for this kind of stuff) possible option leave a message or call Emergency Hot Line in case you have suicidal thoughts. No thank you, sure let me be responsible for busying the line while someone offs themselves, nice.  
Call one Dr. leave a mess...receive a call back from his front desk saying he doesn't accept new patients...no referral either. OK.
Call another...$350 for the initial consult then $150 to $200 thereafter for 15 min sessions...WTF? Is there a happy ending included?! No thank you.
Drive by the Behavioral wing of the local medical center...they are inpatient only and do not take outpatients...no referral, girl had no idea of possible Drs. in the area...funfuckingtastic.
Call a counselor my friend recommended, doesn't take new patients and can't prescribe drugs (what fucking good are you?).
Call my general practitioner, she's booked. Marvelous.

Finally, come home, cry a tad about my dead dog, how hard it is to be temporarily insane and find help, about how lame I am and couldn't handle fostering puppy, that I bartend for living and still haven't written a book (since I out all my decent material here, I know if this is decent imagine my lame stuff); hug my dog whie he tried to escape, drive to the store, buy frozen brownies and chocolate hazelnut gelato. Bake brownies (gluten free, I know I am a lunatic), serve with a pint of gelato, consume, watch TV...manic episode over for now. (Saved about $340 in the process, not counting meds.)

Ain't life grand?!

Stay tuned. More madness coming soon.

A Letter To My Luce Goosy

Dearest Luce,

the words are not enough to explain the pain I feel. Please forgive me for what I've done and the choices I made. I knew you would go on forever for me if I asked you to, regardless how painful that would have been for you...you would do it and never complain, but I saw you were tired. All I did was ask and ask and ask for you to fight...one more surgery, just one more... I had to put an end to all of that suffering and that meant letting you go. It is the hardest and the worst decision anyone can ever make and it will never feel like the right one either, but I knew I couldn't ask you to fight anymore, just so I would put off the inevitable. I wish I could have taken your place. Sadness isn't the right word my little Lu, my baby girl, my heart is shattered never to be whole again.

You were a good girl, the best girl in the world. The best friend anyone could ever have. I am forever grateful to have been in your presence. And what a presence you were, what soul, your infinite love for everyone and everything, to see your zest for life every day for the last 10 years made me want to live and be a better human. You were the reason I got out of bed some days, I know you know that.  You never gave up on me.

My lil monkey, thank you for everything that you have done for me. Thank you for kisses, slumbers, face exfoliations by tongue and by your corn chip smelling feet, thank you for loving me for who I was and wasn't, thank you for always waiting for me and giving me the reason to continue living, thank you for crowding my lap, being by my side when I was sick, thank you for butting me with your big block head in the morning and digging tirelessly under the covers to find me.

You were so smart, how you'd eat the meat but spit the pill out, and when you'd give me the silent treatment when you were mad, and your endless facial expressions. Still you were so silly, you'd eat naners with me, caught birds... you ate flies and spat them out until I would take it away from you, and boy were you nosy...you had to see and know everything. Also, your tennis ball, you loved that thing, you'd run after it till your paws bled if I let you. Who knew that the runt my brother gifted me was gonna steal my heart and run away with it. Oh Luce...

I love you with all of my heart lil girl and my life will never be the same without you here by my side. You were my everything. My best friend, my kid, my parent. I wish I live up to be the person you saw in me.

Luce Lu, no dog will ever come close to what you were to me. I am told that life goes on and we move on, but right now I don't see that. My world is empty without you. It was too sudden. I am lost and I don't know how to go on.

Your brother is here and he tries to cheer me up...but you know him, he's a guy...It was always us girls. Who will sit and watch TV and read with me now? Who will take care of me now? Who will cuddle with me when I am sad? How will ever go on without you my Luce?

I will never forget you and you will always be my angel. I hope you have a lot of tennis balls and birds to chase after and I know you love me and I am sorry for not been as good of a mom as you were kid. You are the love of my life and nothing will ever change that.

Go play now my lil baby. I hope we meet again.

Love you,
Danka.