At this point, if you read any of my previous blogs you should know that my "REAL" job...the job that pays the bills and allows me to buy every Groupon known to man on laser hair removal (what can I say, I am a hairy broad...armpits, minds out of the gutter people) and new workout (yoga/bootcamps/TRX), as well as dine in every newly opened gem of a restaurant in Phoenix, is none other but bartending. Oh yes, I am a people person...no not really ;).
I work in Old Town Scottsdale. For those of you not familiar with the area, besides being a "cayote" or selling drugs, that is where the money is in AZ. Now, I am not money driven, yet I need it to live, so I sacrifice two days a week of my life doing "adult babysitting" as I'd like to call it.
Now add to the usual madness of twenty to forty something drunken future (or past) of America, the full force of Spring Training in March...which pretty much sums it up to all the middle aged, married men without the supervision of their ever-so-lucky wives gallivanting about and drinking like they are 18, yet not having the same tolerance or body.
And believe you me, I am not the one to judge...if anyone has ever been drunk out of their gourd, it is this bitch, however some things are completely unfathomable. For example, last night a good looking, not intoxicated...repeat...not intoxicated married man, dropped his pants down for all the world to see.in the bar. full.of.people. WTF?! I ask you. How is that acceptable behavior? It fucking is not! I assure you...no one wants to see your ass dude, no one.
Also, bumping each others beer bottles so it foams is sooooo passe. Seriously, what are you 12? Drink much? In public...with people...seriously.
Here's another thought if you decide to do cocaine for the first time in your life...STAY AT HOME...no, in my experience it is NOT an amateur drug. You may think you got it handled, but you don't, the jitters, jumpiness, the constant tooth rubbing with your finger, cottonmouth...for the love of God, stay at home (hotel room, whatever) and preserve a little bit of the dignity you have left.
And ladies when you are taking mood altering drugs (Xanax, Ativan, Lexapro, Trazodone... just to name a few) it is not wise to chase them down with several Cherry Bombs. Again, you may think you're OK...honestly you're a fucking hot mess minus the hot. You get all emotional, your mascara running down your cheeks, dress and hair a mess, losing shoes and purses at every turn, inserting the lip gloss wand into your mouth while attempting to reapply it and then questioning the bartenders decision to cut you off...I mean COME ON! Just go home, someone's home...and don't argue, cry uncontrollably and throw shit around, it does very little in making your case.
Besides, "something fun" is not a name of any shot and believe me the last thing you want is for me to "surprise" you with a drink...you'll get a Jeger/tonic...SURPRISE :-).
Rich dudes...much obliged you came to visit...please stop pointing out how rich you are, kills the mystery for one and it may come over duchy when you say "I can solve all of your problems" while wearing your wedding ring...for one the problems I have you're not licensed to help me with... secondly, "How's the Missus"???
So now some of you are thinking, "well why do it if you hate your job???"...I don't hate my job, I have a strong dislike for idiots and second I am sure you love everything about your job ;). Third once I am a famous writer I can drop that gig and focus on making the world a funnier place one book at the time.
Please, let's make this a stab-free Spring Training...I am to pretty for prison :).
Friday, March 15, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I got issues...in case you didn't know
Once again I have not been posting...this blog will take off like nobody's business with all of my hard work...right?!
Anyhow, since the last time I posted, a few things transpired...I had a one night stand (of sorts) unfortunately the guy had personality and a brain and he lives 2,000 miles away, so clearly I decided I was going to like him. And since this took place last Saturday, we (I) have gone a full circle on the manic-depressive mental train...so we talked and laughed and I liked him and then I over-shared, then he didn't reply in a timely manner (timely in my world)...then replied and was sweet and I decided I will not make contact first again and since it's been whole 24 hrs that we had contact, I killed him off and this "relationship" is over...over and done, I tell you.
so if you thought I was nuttier than squirrel shit before...welcome to a whole new dimension of crazy :-).
Today, I went to yoga nidra...it's really just a long (10:45am-12:00pm), guided meditation. Woke up, got ready, open mind and yoga studio bound. Got there with plenty of time to spare, met the instructor (he was missing a leg...I could not help wondering what yoga other than meditation he could teach...I know what you're thinking- You're a bitch!... but it would be very difficult to balance and I am sorry, but this is where my brain went). He helped me set up my "nest" (fold blankets for the utmost comfort while meditating...there is a lot of emphasis on the blanket folding technique in this particular studio...perhaps they should do a workshop on that), anyhow, he mentioned being a type A and a bit OCD while organizing my "meditation area", then left me to feel it out and get comfortable.
He left the room and did not re-enter till 11:03am...did I mention that class was 10:45am-noon??? So now I have anger issues that I didn't when I first arrived... and while he's going through his "breath in and out...feel weightless...let go...just be...let go of the thoughts and constraints...blah, blah, blah" all I can think of was "Get a FUCKING watch...no seriously, OCD and type A's do not pull this crap...this is how you lost your leg, isn't it...you were late for class one too many times"-my brain went on and on and on.
I know what you're thinking "what's the big deal???" and honestly I have no idea...he was a tad late or it was a misprint in the brochure as far as class time (I was trying the whole benefit of the doubt thing), big deal either way...yet I spent a better portion of the class not being able to let go of my rage towards the man that I just met and was nothing but nice to me. And while he was all like "...imagine yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the still dark water..." I was thinking of holding his head under the water for being late to class and then I was grateful that I didn't pay full price for this (Thank you Groupon!!!) as I would be livid (cause I wasn't already)... Does this matter that much in the grand scheme of things you wonder, of course not! Yet for some reason my brain decided to get stuck on that loop and there was nothing I could do to help it.
An hour later, my back hurting, having to go pee and definitely no calmer than I arrived it was over...who leaves relaxing meditation class pissed off and with panties in a bunch?! I DO! Meditation...not so much...perhaps I should try medication...meh.
Anyhow, since the last time I posted, a few things transpired...I had a one night stand (of sorts) unfortunately the guy had personality and a brain and he lives 2,000 miles away, so clearly I decided I was going to like him. And since this took place last Saturday, we (I) have gone a full circle on the manic-depressive mental train...so we talked and laughed and I liked him and then I over-shared, then he didn't reply in a timely manner (timely in my world)...then replied and was sweet and I decided I will not make contact first again and since it's been whole 24 hrs that we had contact, I killed him off and this "relationship" is over...over and done, I tell you.
Also, since I have a fully blown shoulder impingement I finally decided I will take some time off crossfit and will do some gentle yoga, acupuncture and stretching. Let's get something straight
CROSSFIT=THERAPY
Today, I went to yoga nidra...it's really just a long (10:45am-12:00pm), guided meditation. Woke up, got ready, open mind and yoga studio bound. Got there with plenty of time to spare, met the instructor (he was missing a leg...I could not help wondering what yoga other than meditation he could teach...I know what you're thinking- You're a bitch!... but it would be very difficult to balance and I am sorry, but this is where my brain went). He helped me set up my "nest" (fold blankets for the utmost comfort while meditating...there is a lot of emphasis on the blanket folding technique in this particular studio...perhaps they should do a workshop on that), anyhow, he mentioned being a type A and a bit OCD while organizing my "meditation area", then left me to feel it out and get comfortable.
He left the room and did not re-enter till 11:03am...did I mention that class was 10:45am-noon??? So now I have anger issues that I didn't when I first arrived... and while he's going through his "breath in and out...feel weightless...let go...just be...let go of the thoughts and constraints...blah, blah, blah" all I can think of was "Get a FUCKING watch...no seriously, OCD and type A's do not pull this crap...this is how you lost your leg, isn't it...you were late for class one too many times"-my brain went on and on and on.
I know what you're thinking "what's the big deal???" and honestly I have no idea...he was a tad late or it was a misprint in the brochure as far as class time (I was trying the whole benefit of the doubt thing), big deal either way...yet I spent a better portion of the class not being able to let go of my rage towards the man that I just met and was nothing but nice to me. And while he was all like "...imagine yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the still dark water..." I was thinking of holding his head under the water for being late to class and then I was grateful that I didn't pay full price for this (Thank you Groupon!!!) as I would be livid (cause I wasn't already)... Does this matter that much in the grand scheme of things you wonder, of course not! Yet for some reason my brain decided to get stuck on that loop and there was nothing I could do to help it.
An hour later, my back hurting, having to go pee and definitely no calmer than I arrived it was over...who leaves relaxing meditation class pissed off and with panties in a bunch?! I DO! Meditation...not so much...perhaps I should try medication...meh.
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