Morgan Freeman and Christmas cookies

Well since my last weeks mood swing/brownie extravaganza mentally I have calmed down...however I've been eating everything in sight...I mean everything, like liver w onions, salad, baked potato, oatmeal with cranberries, almond and vanilla protein, apple and a dark chocolate peanut butter sandwich...all in one sitting. Repeat 3-5 times a day...fml.

Finally, went to crossfit this morning (no classes on weekends) and performed awful...due to all the shit I've been cramming down my throat. Super...

On the drive back home, commercial came on voiced over by Morgan Freeman and since my father passed I frequently think how I will become homeless and now I don't even have his driveway to live in...nice. Then after hearing Morgan's voice I thought "his voice is so warm and soothing, it's like Christmas cookies with a glass of hot chocolate (plain milk...wtf...are you nuts?!) and if I was homeless I'd get enough money to pay for transport to California and buy a Morgan Freeman audio book (hopefully there's such a thing) and I would live on the beach and play that thing over and over...".

I am not quite sure where this randomness comes from. I however see that it is still revolving around food in one way or another. Excellent.

Running sucks...and this is why

I felt like I should continue writing...foul mood and all...and since PF Chang's Marathon is this weekend I figure I can write about how much I hate running (and since we had to run 400m in crossfit class today).

Running sucks because:

• I am pretty large (over 5'9" and 155lbs), yes I am not framed for running
• I have flat feet and unstable ankles
• I have boobs, sore nips from running are NOT cool
• I am not coordinated (think of Mr. Bean)
• it's pointless..unless someone is chasing me..even then I will stop and think "will I be able to run away or just die tired???", if it's the latter...just kill me...put me out of my misery
• let's be honest I've never seen a runner that I wanted to look like...fantastic you can run...well I have a car so... there

And this weekend will look like this...work til 3 am...wake up at 5am...fight the traffic driving downtown with millions of others...drop my cousin off in the cold ass weather (it's been in the 20's in the mornings...for Arizona that is COLD). Then either go back home to bed and risk oversleeping and missing her cross the finish line (like last year) or go to Tempe/Snottsdale area...fight for parking... and kill the next 4,5,6 hours...however long marathon takes.

Super fantastic, just what I wanna do. And don't get me wrong I am all about people keeping fit and exercising...just not on my time.

And who is the genius thought this crap would be fun??? You want to donate money..just do it, no need to run for fuck sake. It's kind of like golf, people say it's an excuse to drink...I never needed an excuse, I can just drink...no need to pretend I'm playing the game, drinking or otherwise. (Oh and by the way golf is as much of a sport as chess is...yeah I said it.)

So yay for PF Chang's Marathon...(if you put less MSG in your food perhaps people can run just a 5K...now there's a thought).

There's Lexapro for that!!! (Is there really???)

So today, my day off, is one of those days where my "cuntly levels" (as one of my exes used to refer to) are OFF THE CHARTS (for no particular reason mind you). It's like PMS minus the PMS.

Had a nightmare that I am 14, taking care of my siblings and my father died...and I couldn't handle the pressure... Except that already sort of happened...but he died this year (I'm 33). Whatever, it was a disturbing dream, I cried and screamed in my dream...my dogs were all concerned looking when I woke up. 

Then I decided to fuck around on Facebook...to bad I don't receive a paycheck for that. People whining, cat pics, baby pics, pro gun control...anti gun control... the usual...fuck that, let me get productive (riiight!).

Afterwards, plan was to clean the house as I have family coming to town this Saturday..damn you PF Chang's Marathon.  (I like my cousins...generally...today I like no one...I want to punch myself in the throat.) Well, that plan went to shit as I was not in the mood (btw I'm NEVER EVER in the mood to clean)...so I decided to drive over to the dentist (my father used as he gave him great discount, apparently I am not my father...aka I don't have insurance they can bill for BS...hence no discount for me) and that was time wasted. Call a different office...helpful receptionist...scheduled for mid March...will I even be alive then???

Sent text to my mother to see if she needs me over to write checks for the bills that may have gotten there since I snapped at her last (don't ask...no she's not demented, it's just one of those things that my father took care of and she likes to pass the buck...marvelous)...she replied 3 hours later...indecisive, of course "...call me...I'll call u...if you have time...later...afternoon..evening.."...fantastic, now I am even more annoyed.

Since my evening will go to shit...let me try and reschedule my dinner plans with a friend and make them into lunch plans...he can't...of course not!

Bought a chocolate bar and ate it, in 2 bites...nothing, still a bitch. 

I couldn't even shop...I know my mood if foul if I can't find shit to buy at my favorite store-Last Chance (if you live in AZ and you haven't been...you're NOT a shopper period).

And on my drive back home few more things annoyed me....

Radio talking about Lance Armstrong admitting to doping...WHO FUCKING CARES???...I see it as cheating, I don't give a shit that everyone else is doing it and it gives you a competitive edge...you didn't get there on your own merit, so still cheating. On top of that when you got caught...grow a pair and man up...admit it right away, enough of this farce...then again any publicity is good publicity, right?! And to all of those that are "Oh but he did so much for the foundation..." yes and he got paid. Then Nike has the audacity to drop Lance for doping and they keep that piece of sh.. Michael Vick on their payroll...cause he's such a great quarterback (and a role model)...OMG. Enough...NEXT!

Person next to me driving a Fiat. My thoughts..."who the eff are they kidding...how did JLo's ass fit in that car...what kind of lube did they use...Christ that is a tiny vehicle...must be one of those "I am so European in my itsy bitsy car people"...yeah you're gonna be dead too, once a Tahoe runs you over".

At home..mailman came, so I ran out to get my mail...hoping for a miracle of a better mood...SOB!.. CAN THAT MOFO READ???? why do I still keep getting mail (3 years later) for Ms. Maria Hernandez, after I wrote my last name followed by the word only and the smiley face inside of my mailbox. Jesus, no shit people go postal.

I shouldn't be allowed days off...wtf is wrong with me???? I did say I was a beast today...should probably go sleep this off...but it is 3pm...waaaaaa. 

"You Come Here Often???"

Hello 2013! Seems like the only people that made a resolution to come to the gym this year are FREAKS...yup, creepy freaks.  Perhaps January is a national "don't take your meds month" and I just don't know about it...

Here's today's gem...

I am leaning against my work desk in t-shirt and sweatpants at the gym. Man stops by and says: "There are 2 gay guys that would appreciate you not standing like that (he winks and smiles)...Get it? Gay guys..."

So you are making a pass at me.....or...two guys confused my back side for man's...either case, sweet baby Jesus help me!!!

I looked at him and replied: "Well, perhaps you can tell the gay guys, if they were more concerned with their workout and less with my ass dressed in Hanes sweatpants (what can I say I love those stupid things) they may see some results."

And is that your good pickup line?? If so, I would hate to hear your bad one??

Also, I'll go out on a limb here and guess you don't get laid often...then again I could be wrong (highly doubt that).

Off he went and grunted loudly (even though he was a smaller guy-read even more pathetic) as he did chest presses a few feet over...mmm take me now...NOT...Freak!!!

Twinkle Toes

So, as I mentioned..or didn't, I have ADD...I don't even believe in that really, I mean who doesn't nowadays. Being bombarded with information 24/7, always on the run...regardless. Let's just say my attention span is pretty short...non-existent practically. This plays into every aspect of my life...career, love, this blog...

Also, feet are probably my worst feature...size 10 (and growing, seems like), torn ligaments several times in both ankles, hereditary bunions (that will sprout at any time), uneven toes on left and right foot...paint the picture for you?!

Well, I've had an ingrown toenail issue for a few years now and I trimmed it often (yes I am writing about this), blah blah blah...however, this year with my increased activity (spin classes I teach, as well as crossift workouts I attend weekly) that issue has gotten worse...need to bring in the big guns aka. podiatrist.

And...since I have no medical insurance (get off your high horse), I called around to see if there's cash discount offered and what the prices are. Basically, for the price of cutting one ingrown toenail, I can buy all 4 brand new tires for my car and windshield wipers (cause they are a must in AZ...generally they disintegrate from the heat and sun between uses). I was very close to just taking a hammer to my toe and having the toenail grow back out (with hopes it would be fixed), when I called the office of a local female podiatrists with very good reviews and even better, a knowledgable receptionist, that called me back with an exact quote mind you (given no infection)...$250. Ta dah.

So I head out in my Hanes sweatpants and a t-shirt, ponytail on top of my head, as I wasn't getting all beautified for someone handling my feet..c'mon.... However, when I got there my podiatrist was a guy, the most adorable mid 30's (I'm assuming), dark hair, blue eyed, Southern gentleman...FUCK MY LIFE!!!

"Hello want to see my gross toe??? Marvelous. :-)"...oh well business is business. Right?!

"Surgery" went well...he moved to AZ a year ago from Tennessee (love your accent)...lives in Biltmore area...his father is coming to visit in a few weeks (they may stop by the restaurant I also work at...his idea)...he's unsure what he wants to be when he grows up (I love you)...he likes to exercise (love you more)...I have a follow up in 10 days and he will fix my toenail for free if it grows back ever (love you even more) and he charged me $50 less than I was quoted (he may not know this..but in my head...we are ENGAGED ladies and gentlemen).

I am quite sure he is this nice to all of his patients (after all he is Southerner)...yet due to my insanity I will be shopping for a wedding dress later on today. (Not to worry...we will be divorced by the end of the week...hellooooo crazy).

Pray Tell Why You Don't Exercise...Actually Don't!

Here's a little disclaimer first...I work part time as a personal trainer at a local gym. I love my long term clients, they work hard and are dedicated (for the most part)...their eating habits are a different story, but we are working on that. We pick and choose our battles and celebrate small victories. Life does happen ladies and gentlemen and not everyone is me I do realize that (not that I don't have my issues...good God don't get me started...portion control, sweet tooth, self loathing, no off switch...). This all being said every once in a while I get a client (that I get rid off as quickly as I can from my schedule) that just isn't the right fit aka a WHINER. Over the years these are just some of the gems that I heard regarding exercise and nutrition...

"I didn't wake up on time (late for appt at 11 am) because I work four 10 our days (7am-7pm)."

I got 3 jobs...try again.
...


"I don't like to sweat."

Fantastic...first of all, you may want to move from Arizona and then may I suggest a liposuction or wiring your jaw shut (for all the obvious reasons).
...


"My knees hurt and I get winded quickly."

Well I would hurt too if I had to carry that load.
...


"I don't want to get bulky."

You're already bulky, now let's get to work. The day you start looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger I will let you know (not to worry, we got WAAAYS to go). 
 ...


" I am allergic to water."

And I am allergic to bullshit, yet here we are.
...


"I quit drinking soda...I only had 32oz today."

Are you shitting me?! You're the reason shampoo bottles have directions on them.
...


"I have a hairline fracture..."
Me: "Where?"
"Well, it's not a fracture yet...but it hurts."

Excellent, we got a doctor in the house...well, I have an aneurism...not today, but I am sure it will happen if I continue listening to this BS.

 ....and in conclusion, it is perfectly OK we are not all the same (this world would be an awful place if everyone was like me). Some like physical activity, others don't. Some are fit, some fat, some skinny. And that is OK. However, please own your bullshit and accept it...stop feeding it to others! Thank you. 

Mr. Handsy (or community service)

So New Year new me...I decided that since I have been going to the gym for years..I could try and step it up and perhaps lean out..not eat as much crap..perhaps even try to compete/get some sponsorship...all in one day, clearly.

Well, I went and hiked Camelback with a good buddy of mine. Then, we had lunch, really healthy btw...went home...screwed around on the computer and decided to go crush it at the gym a few hours later. (Crush it is when I am all pumped aka my douche mode is on...otherwise it's just lift weights.)
Workout was awesome...then I decided I should stretch, since I never take the time to do it. 

So here I was, on the floor (long pants and t-shirt, no stuff hanging out here) stretching and a guy in his 50's (good looking 50's) sat down to use a stretching chair contraption...he started conversation about my socks...then his kid and a basketball scholarship...I was up by that time and he's all "you're ripped" and grazed my stomach.......................................................you gotta be f****** kidding me.

Generally, I would have ripped his arm off, beat him with it and then jostle it up his bunghole. However, I was having a great day up to that point and why let him ruin it?!...so I just shot him a look that said "don't push your luck mofo, I did time for much less once, I don't mind doing it again"...so he swiftly wrapped up the conversation and left.

And for the record I am far from ripped (I'm about 5'9 and 155 lbs)...he was just a dirty old man coping a feel. How is it OK to touch someone like that??? And why do I always attract freaks???

I myself was a tad stunned at my reaction...or the lack thereof...if you know me this was his VERY LUCKY day...but I figured he can have that memory to masturbate later and I shall mark this as community service in my book.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!